


Not so alone, anymore

by Yabureme



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Danger, F/M, Fear, Love, pilot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-02 18:43:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5259572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yabureme/pseuds/Yabureme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when the colossal titan broke through wall Maria there was so much fear, running in blind panic maybe wasn't the best thing to do... Alone and scared in the forest for months a titan almost ends it all, but then, flash of green...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a fic I started ages ago, I have a TON of ideas for it, but not so much time (just started university) so it'll be a nice surprise when I have enough time to finish it. It WILL be finished, so don't fear on that part, but it might take some time, please bear with me! ^_^

I ran. Praying to all the gods I could think of, old and new, that the titan thick on my heel wouldn’t see me. It had been a miracle he missed me the first time, I know I should stay in my hideout during the day, but my food supply was running scarce. The titan had missed stepping on me by a feet or two and my scream had made him jerk his humanlike form towards the sound of my voice.

Somehow I made it to the edge of the forest and my heart sang. I was almost safe so I glanced behind me, and wish I hadn’t. My family and I had made fun of the ridiculous way the titans ran before the attack on wall Maria, It had been easy to make fun of it when we were safe behind the wall. Now that run was terrifying. Choking a scream I tried to speed up, only to find my way blocked by large rocks barely visible through the thick leaves.

Cursing under my breath I made a sharp left, but to my horror the titan lunged. Screaming as it closed its hand around me I understood it was all over. There’s no way I’d get out of this alive. I would be eaten by a titan, just as my family had been. Trying to be at peace with my faith I stared at the titan. Its ugly face grinned at me, and utter terror grabbed my heart. I didn’t want to go out this way!

Just as I was about to scream again a green blur caught my eye. Almost flying through the forest the green thing made its way towards the titan, and fast. Not understanding what I was watching the green thing flew high up in the air and something gleamed in the sunlight before it came down hard against the titans neck.

The titan shuddered and then I was falling. The force when I hit the ground made everything go black. Desperately trying to get my lungs to work again the blackness subdued and standing above me was a black haired man in survey corps uniform.

Focusing on the way the titan blood vaporized from the survey corps blades my lungs slowly started to work again.

Sitting up I tried to thank the man for saving me, but before I could form words, survey corps were spilling out of the woods.

\- Woah, did you really have to kill that titan? a woman in ponytail said disappointed. It was a beautiful 7m class too!

The man who saved me just gave her a dark glare before sheathing his blades.

\- Idiot, he mumbled as he helped me up.

\- Thank you, I managed to say, he didn’t look at me.

He started walking back towards where he came from and the rest of his team looked confused at me.

\- Corporal, a petite girl took a few steps closer to me. What do we do with her?

\- She’s of no use to us, he said and turned around, his face stone cold.

\- We can’t leave her! the girl said.

\- I’m fully aware of that, Petra, the man stared her down. Bring her.

Petra nodded and supported me as we followed the Corporal through the forest.  

 

*

 

They had given me my own room in this mansion they lived in, well to me it was a mansion since I had grown up in a small shed. When they had given me clean clothes and my first warm meal in months they introduced themselves. Hanji Zoe was the eccentric, borderline crazy woman who had went out on her own to catch some titans, lucky for me as I would have been titan food otherwise. A really tall blonde man with icy-blue eyes introduced himself as Commander Erwin Smith. Little miss sunshine introduced himself as Corporal Levi and the way he said it made it really clear he didn’t accept to be addressed with anything else, which Hanji seemed to completely ignore.

The small blonde boy introduced himself as Armin, and the last to introduce himself was Eren Jaeger. His eyes were burning with an intensity that made it hard for me to look directly at him.  A really quiet brown haired girl with a red scarf just nodded when Eren told me her name was Mikasa.

\- Eren can turn into… Hanji started but Corporal Levi gave her a stare so cold I was sure she’d freeze.

\- Go tend to the horses, the Corporal said and then turned his attention to me. What do we do with you?

I couldn’t answer, he was so intimidating I didn’t know how to form words anymore.

He gave me a stern look and my tongue loosened.

\- I can cook, and clean, I didn’t meet his gaze, it was enough that I could feel the power of it on me.

\- If I find dust, the Corporal started and grabbed my chin so I was forced to meet his gaze. You’re out.

I just nodded and he released me.

\- Dinner at seven, breakfast at eight. You will share Petras room.

I nodded again and when he walked away I turned to Petra who led the way to the small room we’d share.

 

*

 

The first thing I did that night was to mess up. I didn’t find anything in the kitchen and the dinner was already late. Afraid little miss sunshine would throw me out I started to cry as I did my best to finish up.

\- What’s wrong? I could feel a hand on my back and with a small yelp I spun around.

Eren stood right behind me with a concerned look on his face.

\- The dinner is late and I don’t want to live alone in the forest again! I tried to stifle my cries, not wanting everyone to hear.

\- I’ll help you, he said simply. That way It won’t be all too late.  

I grabbed Erens shirt as he turned around, not being able to bring myself to actually touch him. For months I had lived alone in the forest, being surrounded by people was overwhelming and being able to touch someone was more than I could process.

\- Thank you, I whispered.

He gave me a quick smile and we picked up where I had left off.

The dinner ended up to be on time afterall. With Erens help I managed to get everything out on the table in time. We ate in silence, well everyone except Hanji ate in silence. She went on and on about what we could have learned of Corporal Levi hadn’t killed the titan that wanted to eat me. I couldn’t eat, I just pushed the food around on my plate. Knowing what could have happened if Hanji hadn’t ventured out on her own formed a big lump in my throat. In fact the whole scene contributed to the lump in my throat. For the first time in months I felt - not safe but something like it - not alone, I was surrounded with people, and it was overwhelming. 

\- Are you alright? Petra put her hand on my shoulder.

I nodded and felt how tears started to fall, I did my best to stop them but her concern for me, someone she just met today, made it all too much. With my hands over my face I rushed out of the room, trying to find somewhere to be alone, to hide. Eventually I found the room I was to sleep in and exhausted I crashed into my bed, within seconds I had fallen asleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've gotten some feedback that the way I write dialouge in is confusing, but it's the way I'm used to since I'm using swedish dialouge rules. I write a lot in swedish and would prefer not using quotationmarks since I feel that would be confusing for me. I'll explain how to read "speechlines" but if you still feel it to be too confusing, I'll try to edit in quotationmarks instead of "speechlines". 
> 
> \- I’m sure it will be fine, I said and handed him the last dishes. Erwin isn’t mad, but I don’t know about Corporal Levi. 
> 
> The line is from the last chapter and you read it like this:  
> "I'm sure it will be fine" I said and handed him the last dishes. "Erwin isn't mad, but I don't know about Coporal Levi."
> 
> The "speechline" is the start of the sentance followed by a comma or a full stop (question mark, exclamation mark) then comes an action (if the person is doing something while talking) and after the actions comes a full stop. Then the person might talk again and it followes the action without being marked out. This is where it can get confusing, but it's all about getting used to this way of lines and what would be resonable to say. A person won't say "I hand you the last dishes". 
> 
> I hope this makes it easier to read, but if it's too hard drop me a comment and I'll try to change it, I want my stories to be read after all, and for you to enjoy them as much as possible! 
> 
> Lots of love/ Yabureme

The morning came way too early. My body felt like it weighed a ton when I tried to get out of bed. On the third try I finally got up and pulled one of the dresses they had given me over my head. The Corporal had refused to waste a uniform on me when I wasn’t joining them on their missions so they had found some old dresses left in the castle. Some of them were going to need some mending, but I was glad to have a change of clothes again. Getting the breakfast started I washed my face and yawned. As the water boiled I set the table and were surprised to find out I wasn’t alone.

\- C-corporal, I stuttered. I wasn’t expecting to see you here.

He just gave me some kind of noise to show he heard me and continued to read the papers laying in front of him. 

I set the table very carefully, trying my best not to disturb the Corporal in his work. Eventually I started to relax, he wasn’t going to talk to me. When the kettle called me I tried to hurriedly return to the kitchen, but Corporal Levi caught my arm.

\- You’re safe here, he said simply and released me.

It caught me so much by surprise that my jaw fell open and I couldn’t remember how words worked.

\- The kettle, Corporal Levi said and have me a bored look.

Rushing back into the kitchen I managed to quiet the kettle and get the last of the breakfast on the table. To my surprise the breakfast was a soft of grab-and-go ordeal. Everyone needed food in their bellies as they were rushing out on the different assignments given to them by either Commander Ervin, Corporal Levi or Hanji. 

When I had taken care of the dishes I did a quick overlook of the mansion. The others had told me that Corporal Levi was quite the clean freak and he had threatened to cast me out of he found dust so I was determined to keep the mansion as clean as I could, besides the lunch everyone fixed for themselves so I had nothing to do between breakfast and dinner. 

Elbow deep in soapy water someone cleared their throat behind me.

\- There will come messengers almost every day and it’s important that you give those papers to me directly, understood? the Corporal told me from where he stood in the doorway inspecting my work.

I nodded and continued scrubbing the floor, it was unbelievable dirty the floors were, but it had rained the day before and with everyone running in and out they were bound to get mud everywhere.

\- Bring me tea with the papers, he said and started to leave, but turned around and nodded towards the floor behind me. You missed a spot.

Just as Corporal Levi had said a messenger showed up two hours later with a big stack of papers. I thanked him and went to the kitchen to bring the tea the Corporal had ordered. 

 

*

 

As the days turned into weeks I got more and more comfortable with everyone, Eren was helping me out in the kitchen every night. Making breakfast for everyone by myself was easy when I got up almost two hours before everyone else, the dinner was another story. They quickly understood I couldn’t do it by myself and Eren had volunteered. Mikasa followed Eren wherever he went but she was of no use in the kitchen so I usually told her to set the table or tell me when something boiled. Sometimes Erwin helped out too. I had told him on a number of occasions that he didn’t need to help, but everytime he told me it was a nice distraction to everything happening around us. 

Corporal Levi usually came in to inspect the food and to tell me something he needed help with later, a room I hadn’t cleaned to perfection or some clothes in need of mending. Today he tossed his cloak at me, it had a large rip in the side.

\- Again? I said and inspected the cloak. This is too big to mend.

\- Throw it, the Corporal said and started leaving.

\- Corporal? I knew he had heard me since he stopped in his movement. Try to be a little more careful, please?

He just hummed to show me he had heard and left. 

Dinner had become more and more fun during the last couple of weeks. I spent most of my dinners chatting with Erwin and Eren since it was them I felt closest to. More often than not they helped me with dinner and sometimes I helped Eren in the stable. They helped me clear the table as usual and we started washing up. 

Lost in my own thoughts I suddenly felt something wet hit my face, surprised I turned around to find eren grinning at me.

\- What did you do that for? I laughed and used the spoon I was holding to toss some water towards Eren.

\- You looked so serious, he said and laughed as he tossed even more water my way.

I laughed and avoided it, darting around the kitchen as fast as I could, trying to hit my friend.

\- Can you two… Erwin started but fell silent the second the water intended for me hit him dead in the face.

He started coughing and rubbed his face, trying to get the water out of his eyes.

\- I’m so sorry! Eren said in shock. I didn’t mean to hit you.

Erwin didn’t respond and went to wash the soap out of his eyes and the second he turned his back towards us Eren filled his spoon again.

\- Enough! Erwin said and tossed me over his shoulder and at the same time hit Eren with the spatula he had been washing.

\- Let me down! I giggled, I had gotten to know Erwin enough to know he wasn’t mad for real.

\- Can the two of you behave? he said and hunted Eren with the spatula.  

\- Mercy! I cried with laughter, still trapped on Erwins broad shoulder.

He just laughed and slapped Ervin once more.

\- What the hell is going on? Corporal Levi was standing in the doorway, looking bored.

Erwin cleared his throat and put me down gently, giving Eren a final almost gentle smack with the spatula.

\- Maybe we should get started on that paperwork, he said and left the room.

The Corporal nailed me with his gaze and I dropped my eyes. I couldn’t help but to feel like a kid getting scolded by a parent. A quick glance to the left showed Eren looking down the same way I did, I knew he didn’t like getting chided by the Corporal.

\- Get back to work, he said sharply and left.

When Eren was sure the Corporal had left he stuck his tongue out towards the empty doorframe. Then he watched nervously for a second or two, the Corporal had a scary way of knowing when Eren was disrespectful towards him. Once he had mimicked Corporal Levi and ended up with a elbow to the face. First I had been mortified, but when I learned it was normal behaviour I tried to not let it bother me, although it hurt to see him hit my best friend. This time he seemed to get away with it though.

\- I’m sorry I got you in trouble, he said as he dried off what I washed.

\- I’m sure it will be fine, I said and handed him the last dishes. Erwin isn’t mad, but I don’t know about Corporal Levi.

Eren sighed and put away the last dishes.

\- Well I guess you could keep this place extremely clean for the next few days, that clean-freak would love you for it, apparently Eren had gotten cocky since his mocking had gone unpunished.

I just smiled, knowing that clean-freak comment would not go unpunished. 

Eren suddenly tensed up and looked over at me with a scared look on his face.

\- I shouldn’t have said that, he said. It just felt like someone walked over my grave.

I turned around just in time to see Corporal Levi kick Eren into the wall.

\- Bring us some tea, he said not even paying attention to Eren lying curled up on the floor rubbing the back of his head.

Nodding I filled the kettle with water and then went over to Eren.

\- Are you okay? I said, gently feeling the back of his head.

\- Tsh, Corporal Levi said and gave us a glare. He’s fine, brat.

I gave Corporal Levi a dark glare and for a second I could’ve sworn he looked surprised.

\- I’ll come with your tea when it’s finished, I said as cold as I possibly could.


	3. Chapter 3

I hadn’t been able to sleep that night, no matter how I tossed or turned sleep eluded me. Carefully I slid out of bed and snuck out of the room, not wanting to wake Petra with my tossing and turning. Slowly I made my way to the big library I’d cleaned the day before, hopefully not all of those books were about titans. 

Even though it was almost dawn it was hard to see where I was going and I ended up getting lost a couple of times before I finally found the library. It was chilly inside the library and I wished I’d brought my cover. The thin nightgown didn’t do much to fight off the cold.

\- Maybe I should light a fire? I mumbled to myself, not wanting to go back to my room to fetch something warm.  

A sudden thud made me whip around, my heart pounding. Usually I was alone when I got up to prepare the breakfast and this was even earlier. 

Corporal Levi was sitting in a large armchair with his usual bored look. In his hand was a large book, marked about halfway through.

\- Oh I’m so sorry, I said, still clasping my heart. I didn’t know what scared me most, that I wasn’t alone as I had thought or the way he looked at me.

He got up and walked right past me, almost as if I wasn’t there at all. I didn’t know what to say, it felt as if I had seen something I wasn’t supposed too.

\- Don’t light a fire, he said and turned around. There’s blankets further in and it would be wise for you to cover up.

I couldn’t get my brain to work in time to give him a respond before he closed the door and I was alone. 

Meeting the Corporal like that had killed my desire to read and I was left with an empty feeling, not knowing how to pass the time. Freezing I put my arms around me in an attempt to get a little warmer. Finally deciding to stay and find something to read I started searching for the blankets. When I had one tightly wrapped around me, they were old and in dire need of a wash but warmed, I walked over to where Corporal Levi had been sitting. The book was front down and curious I turned it and had to stifle a laugh, afraid he would have the same kind of sixth sense with me as he had with Eren. He had been reading children’s stories. 

 

*

 

I had eaten my breakfast as I was preparing it for the rest. I had ended up finding a book that was so exciting I didn’t want to put it down. Fortunately they were heading out on a recon mission today so I would be able to read without the fear of Levi hanging over my shoulder. Something about Levi had felt strange, usually I could feel his eyes following me but this morning he had ignored me completely. I guess he was embarrassed that I found out about the child stories.

\- Still reading? Erwins voice janked me out of the world in my head and on the pages.

\- Oh, yeah, I said when I focused on him. I can’t put it down.

Erwin laughed and ruffled my hair.

\- I guess it’s a nice change of pace from the cleaning.

I nodded and marked where I was. They were probably finished with breakfast and I needed to clean up.

\- We’re all waiting for you, Copral Levi was leaning against the doorframe again.

\- You’re heading out already? I said, scrambling to my feet.

He just shifted his weight and gave me a look that made me feel stupid for asking. He was good at making me feel small or stupid, but somehow I’d grown to like his attention. 

I followed them to the main hall, I always saw them off. Something that had stuck with me since childhood, I had this horrible feeling as a child that if I didn’t see my family off something bad would happen.

\- I hope we see some beautiful titans today! Hanji was on fire as usual.

I laughed as she practically jumped around the hall, eyes sparkling with excitement. Eren, Armin och Mikasa were going too, leaving me almost completely alone and for the first time I felt vulnerable.

\- Oh! I forgot my journal! Hanji suddenly exclaimed and spun around so fast she hit my legs with her 3D-gear.

With a surprised and somewhat hurt yelp I lost my balance and fell towards the pile of 3D-gear that hadn’t already been put on. The only thing running through my mind was how bad it would hurt when I landed, and then how a strong hand pulled me away from the pile of hurt and into something warm, alive.

\- Idiot! Levi hissed at Hanji, who were apologizing to me so much she barely could stop to breathe.

I tried to say I was allright but with Levi that close I couldn’t find my voice. Taking a deep breath to gather my thoughts Levis scent hit me full force. I hadn’t understood how much I was beginning to like the Corporal until I felt his warmth and that scent that made me feel so safe.

\- Are you okay? Armin said concerned. You look red, maybe you should take it easy today?

\- I’m fine, I said and pushed Levi away from me.

Erwin put his forehead against mine, then he smiled.

\- You don’t seem to be running a fever, but you are red. Make sure to take it easy today.

I just nodded.

\- Tsh, Levi said and headed out the door.

The rest of them followed him in a hurry, leaving me alone in the now big and empty hall.

\- Itterashai, I said and watched as they mounted their horses and rode off.

 

*

 

I cleaned up the breakfast and prepared a cup of tea and started reading again. Just as I was getting lost in the story I heard someone calling my name. Reluctantly I marked what little progress I’d made and put the book away. Again I could hear someone calling my name and this time I heard the urgent tone. 

Running out of the kitchen I almost crashed into Eren.

\- What’s wrong? I grabbed his arm to keep us both from falling.

\- Erwin got hit by a titan!

My heart grew heavy with fear. Erwin had become my friend and I didn’t want to lose him. With eyes filling up with tears I ran after Eren, my heart was pounding in my ears. We took the stairs two steps at a time.

\- Are you alright? I panted the second we burst through the door.

Erwin smiled at me and tried to wave at me, but when he lifted his hand his face twitched in pain.

\- I’m fine, he said.

\- You don’t look fine, I said.

His head was bandaged and spotty with blood, his arm was in an mitella and it was obvious breathing hurt.

\- What happened? sitting down next to him I placed my hand on his foot, the only part of him that didn’t seem to hurt.

\- I-it’s all my fault, Armin said and hung his head. I wasn’t fast enough, the titan was coming right at me and Commander Erwin saved me. I’m so sorry!

\- Don’t worry, kid, Erwin said and smiled. I’ll live.

\- You better, I said and pinched his ankle.

\- Enough touchy feely shit, Levis monotone voice came from the corner, I hadn’t even realized he was there. The Commander needs rest, and you all have things in need of attending.

I sighed, I didn’t want to leave Erwin, he seemed fine, but I didn’t want to leave his side.

\- What’s wrong with you? I asked the Commander, totally ignoring Levi.

\- Concussion, busted arm, broken ribs, scrapes and bruises.

\- You’re not supposed to fall asleep with a concussion, right?

Hanji shook her head.

\- No, you have too much to do, Levi said and stopped leaning against the wall.

\- But the castle is clean and I don’t have to start dinner for a couple of hours. Please?

Levi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. A deep breath later he locked eyes with me.

\- Fine, but if dinner is late you won’t sleep until you’ve cleaned the entire mansion top to bottom.

I nodded, glad he’d actually let me stay.

\- I’m expecting an important messenger today, Levi said from the door. When it arrives, bring the papers and a cup of tea to my study.

Nodding again I turned my attention towards Erwin. 

He didn’t want to talk to much as talking hurt, so I fetched the book I had been reading and started reading out loud for him. A few chapters in the messenger came and I had to leave Erwin.

\- Hey, I said and popped my head into the library. I have to take tea to Levi would you mind looking over Erwin?

\- No, I’ll head there right away, Armin gathered his things and sped down the hallway.

I got the tea Levi wanted and knocked on the door to his study. A soft “hmm” granted my entrance and I managed to get the door open after a little fumbling. When I placed the tea in front of him he grabbed my hand.

\- Stay with me, he didn’t look up from his papers, and if he hadn’t grabbed my hand I would have thought it was an illusion.

I didn’t know how to handle the situation so I just sat down in the chair on the other side of his desk. I sat in silence and watched him work, watched the way his black hair fell into his eyes as he read and the way his mouth moved slowly as he wrote. Almost as if he needed to mouth the word he was writing. 

He had a grandfather’s clock in the corner that ticked lazily. It was nice watching Levi work, it made him seem more human.

\- Um, Levi? I said softly after an hour or two. I had gotten lost in thoughts watching him work.

\- Hmm?

\- I have to get dinner started, and I want to check on Erwin.

He nodded and waved his hand at me, dismissing me. It was first when I had gotten halfway to the kitchen I realized he didn’t object when I had called him Levi. 


	4. Chapter 4

I wanted to spend as much time with Erwin as possible, but it turned out to be hard. Every time I spent a little more than a few minutes with the Commander, Levi always managed to show up with different assignments for me. Track down Hanji and ask about something she already explained, find a book in the library that turned out to be in his study, mend clothes that was beyond salvaging, stuff like that. I was lucky Armin felt so guilty, he was watching over Erwin when I couldn’t.

\- Hey, I said and put down the tray in front of Erwin. Lunchtime.

\- I can go to the dining hall, he said and sat up.

\- No you can’t, I said and smiled.

\- I’ve broken my ribs not my legs.

\- But the concussion…

\- Is gone, look, I know you’re afraid something might happen but I can’t stay in here any longer. I’m going mad.

I sighed, I know he was right but I didn’t want to admit it.

\- Fine, you can come down for dinner.

\- Thank you, he smiled and took my hand.

\- Tsk, came from the doorway and I almost laughed.

Turning around to face Levi I tried my best to keep my face straight. The sixth sense he had for Erens bullshit he used for me being in Erwins room.

\- Hi, Levi, I smiled. What do you need?

\- Ilse’s notebook, he said and motioned me to follow him.

He didn’t stop to wait for me, he just assumed I was right behind him.

\- But Hanji has that and she’s out with Armin and Petra.

Levi stopped for a second but didn’t turn around to look at me.

\- Yes she is.

\- If you don’t need me for anything I’ll be getting back to Erwin.

He turned around so fast I jumped in surprise. His hands shot out towards me and I closed my eyes, almost sure he was going to hit me. Of course I knew that thought was ridiculous but the thought sped through my head anyway. Instead of hitting me his hands came to rest on both sides of my neck, adding gentle pressure. His eyes locked into mine and I realized he was taking my pulse.

\- What are you… I started, but he interrupted me.

\- I have a lot of work to do, don’t interrupt me, and with that he walked down the hall.

Leaving me alone with my racing heart. It had scared me how much I wanted him to kiss me. Not really knowing where this desire to kiss him had come from I realized it was time for me to try and kill the feelings growing in my chest. There was no way he would answer them anyway. 

A loud slam tore me from my thoughts and Hanji came running, her 3D-gear still on.

\- Where’s baby-face? I knew her eccentric smile by know, Levi would not be pleased.

\- In his study, but he didn’t want to be disturbed.

Hanji just laughed and ran down the hall. 

 

*

 

An hour later I had dinner started, but my focus was split between the cooking, my growing feelings for little miss sunshine and the book I was burning to finish.

\- We’re heading out, Levis voice interrupted my thoughts, speak of the devil.

\- W-what? I hated the way I felt the blush creeping into my cheeks.

\- Shitty Glasses won’t shut up until we go out.

\- Oh, I started cleaning my hands to see them off.

\- Don’t bother, Levi said and walked closer to me. We won’t be out for long.

\- But… once again he placed his hands on my neck and took a few deep breaths.

With a small nod he released me and brushed away some imaginary dust from his jacket.

\- Erwin is sleeping, don’t disturb him, and with that he was gone.

A few moments later I heard the door slam shut. I finished the dinner and tried to eat, but not seeing them off gave me a hard knot of cold fear in my stomach. I knew it was superstition, but I was terrified they wouldn’t come back. 

I couldn’t sleep. Knowing they were out there made me wide awake. Finally I gave up and knocked on Erwins door.

\- Come in.

\- Hey, I didn’t think you’d still be awake, I said and sat down on the chair next to his bed.

\- Couldn’t sleep, he said and put down the papers he was reading.

\- Working?

He nodded.

\- Now why are you awake?

\- I’m worried, I said and twisted my hands. Levi and Hanji went out and I didn’t get to see them off and what if something happens and it would be my fault and…

\- Relax, he interrupted me. Levi and Hanji are the best 3D-gear maneuvers I’ve ever seen. They will come back.

Just as he said it I heard the front door slam shut and I whipped my head around so fast I actually heard my neck snap.

\- Ow, rubbing my neck I all but sprinted down the hall.

The closer I came to the hall the louder my heart was pumping. Turning the corner I could feel how my heart became lighter. They were safe, Levi was safe.

\- Are you still awake? Hanji said as she took of her 3D-gear.

I nodded and felt my heart sink when Levi walked right past me, without looking at me.

\- Did something happen? I asked Hanji.

\- No, it just got too dark to continue. We’re going out again tomorrow, but with more people. Maybe we can catch a titan! her eyes started glittering and I couldn’t help but smile.

 

*

 

Almost everyone went out that morning. They had eaten breakfast in silence, it was too early to be talking even though Erwin finally was well enough to join them on this mission. Eren helped me clear the table before he rushed to get on his gear. 

\- Itterashai, I said with a smile as they went out. 

I felt restless, nothing I did could keep me occupied for more than a few moments. I did my chores, but I didn’t do them good. Levi would throw a fit when he saw how sloppy I had cleaned. He hadn’t looked at me before they went out, I didn’t understand him. One minute he was really close to me, checking my pulse and the other he couldn’t stand the sight of me. 

Walking through the castle for the third time I sighed and went out to the stable, there was only a handful of horses left. I talked gently to the light brown mare Eren tried to teach me to ride on. She was gentle and careful. And old. I got out her brushes and started to brush her, needing something to do with my hands. I didn’t really understand where this uneasiness came from. Somehow I managed to get lost in the brush strokes and time passed without me noticing it. 

When I was done I sat down in the mares stall and watched her eat the small amount of hay I had given her. Slowly the sleepless night caught up with me and I fell asleep with the comforting smell of horses surrounding me. 

 

*

 

A sharp neighing woke me from my light slumber. I heard noises, they were back. Getting up I gave the mare a gentle pat and brushed the dirt of my skirt. Even though Levi might never return my growing feelings I still wanted to look my best. 

When I came to the entrance of the castle I found my friends, but so many were missing.

\- What happened? I grabbed Erens arm.

\- They’re all dead, he said and turned to look at me. And it’s my fault.

My heart froze. No, no, no, not again! I can’t lose anyone I started caring about again.

\- Everyone?

Eren nodded and hugged me. I could feel his tears burn against my shoulder.

\- Petra?

Nodding.

\- Eld?

Nodding again.

\- Gunther? Oluo?

\- Yes! Eren held me closer.

\- What about Armin?

Eren shook his head and released me.

\- No, Armin, Mikasa, Hanji, Erwin and Levi made it back.

I tried to hide the joy when I heard Levi’s name.

\- What are you still doing here? Hanji said, lacking the usual eccentric tone. Levi is looking like crazy for you.

Nodding I went inside and up the stairs. My guess was that he was looking in the kitchen, in the library and in the room Erwin usually slept in. He wasn’t in the kitchen, but I could follow where he had been. I found his cape just outside the kitchen and his 3D-gear was scattered in the hall towards the library.

\- Levi? I called, getting worried. There was no way he’d treat his 3D-gear like that if it wasn’t an emergency.

Thoughts started spinning in my head. Levi was injured, no, Levi was dying. He was desperate to find me because, because what? Tell me he wanted a cup of tea no doubt, or that I wasn’t allowed to go to sleep until I had re-cleaned the entire castle. 

I found him, or more he found me, just outside his study.

\- Where have you been, brat? he hissed and pulled me into his study.

\- I fell asleep in the stable, the brat comment bothered me and I wanted to tell him off, but the way he looked at me told me I was in enough trouble as it was.

\- Tsk, he said and slammed the door shut behind us.

_ This is it _ , I thought.  _ This is how I die. _ Prepared for whatever he hit me with, well I thought I was, but when he hugged me I could feel my jaw fall open. That Levi of all people would hug me, would bury his face in my neck was so unfathomable that the thought had never even crossed my mind. Slowly I raised my own arms and hugged him back. His smell was off, usually he smelled clean with the undertone that was pure Levi. Now he smelled like blood, sweat and fear.

\- Sleep with me, he said and I could feel how my entire body went rigid.

I won’t lie, the thought had crossed my mind, but to hear Levi say it took me by surprise.

\- Wh-what? I stuttered and tried to get away from him.

\- I mean sleep, he released me. I will remain fully clothed.

\- B-but why? god could I stop stuttering?

He didn’t look at me, he just started to shred his dirty clothes.

\- I need to feel the warmth of another human being tonight, he said and discarded that silly frilly thingie around his neck.

I nodded slowly. Levi had almost lost his entire team, of course that would hurt, and he didn’t want to show everyone just how much. He just needed to feel the warmth of another human, to charge his batteries for a night to be able to deal with everything that happened. 

The small spark of joy that had flared in my chest fizzled and died. It wasn’t me he wanted, he just wanted someone in his bed that night.

\- Please, Levi said and turned towards me.

My heart was beating so hard I thought he could see it. The pleading way he looked at me broke my heart and I nodded again, this time so he could see it. 

He gave me the smallest of smiles and my heart melted, then he shifted back to his usual blank face so fast I thought the smile was only my imagination.


End file.
